Jul 11, 20206 min read

An open letter to Anna on your graduation day

Dear Anna,

I can’t believe that in a few short weeks you will begin your college journey. I came across a note my dad had tucked into my over packed car as it made the same trip to IU so long ago and I still have it today. As he and my mom drove away and I bravely fought back a few tears walking up to the door behind which would open a whole new life I thought I was grateful for it then-and only now as a 41 year old parent myself can I appreciate all that little piece of paper meant to me-so I wanted to give you your own. However since the internet lives on forever you don't have to print this out and put it on your adorbs new Tezza wall mural we just picked out (or fold up and make sure it makes every move to a new house for 20 years to come).

Most of these college letters might start with “I can remember when you were only two years old and taking your first steps and now you are stepping into a brand new world where I can’t hold your hand as you walk alone or be right behind you waiting with open arms if you happen to stumble and fall".

I can’t start this letter that way because I wasn’t there for your first steps. I didn’t get to hear your first laugh or change your diapers (but, yes, as with any close relationship we have been through some shit so I made up for it over time-no pampers required).

Instead I became a part of your story more than a decade later when I met your dad. I still remember being so nervous right before I knew I was going to meet you as I wanted so very much for you to like and accept me. I think I changed my outfit more times than when I did before my first date with him. Was this shirt like cool mom? Is it too “cool mom” aka “try hard” mom? Maybe I should wear a turtleneck-oh wait. I don’t have any because they itch my neck and make me feel like I need to buy another matching one on sale at Banana Republic (bc I feel like they are always buy one get one-why??) and I have not stepped foot in that store for years.

I felt like I knew so much about you already. The pride in your dad’s voice when he talked about how great of a swimmer you were or how hard you tried at school was endearing, genuine and made me fall in love with him more.

I never thought one day in my life I would be seeking to fill smaller shoes than my own-but here you were. You were his baby girl and although I still to this day never sought to be on the same level of adoration....I was hopeful I would one day earn a part of your heart as well.

So we met. Me in my cool shirt I adjusted like 22 times as awkward as I could be shifting my increasing holiday weight from side to side and playing with my hair the same way I still do that your brothers make fun of me for. Side note for all of those who don't know me personally yet: Fun fact bout me…when I meet someone for the first time and I am very invested in how they perceive me I tend to talk a lot. Like….ahhh-lot. And I am so weird and might ask you 3 questions in a row and before you get a chance to answer I have moved on to talking about something like my fear of clowns or extreme dislike of sweet potatoes-both of which you will not care about and have zero relevance to our conversation. Like, zero. But I do get easier to talk to. Swear it. Just hand me a glass of wine…or 3.

And guess what? I realized I didn’t need to be “cool” for you. We clicked right away and bonded over our love of shopping and ability to laugh at your dad’s early photos of his food or toes he posted on Instagram (sorry Jared). In time you trusted me with your feelings, your friendship and your fears. For that gift I am forever grateful. You handed me the keys and chance to test drive teenager life for the first time and all the emotional ups and downs that come with each bed in the road. I know we have hit a few bumps along the way and even a pothole here and there over the last 5 plus years. We stalled the engine once or twice and had to refill the tank with unconditional love and respect that came with forgiveness and His grace. However standing here today as the weeks wind down instead of counting the days left I choose to count my blessings and be grateful for all of the lessons you have taught me-and hope I have given you the same as well.

So Anna Marie….thank you for teaching me how to love another little girl that was not handed to me in the delivery room in a brand new pink blanket. Although you did not come into my world without a few bumps and bruises from falling down along the path of life as you learned to walk…neither did I to you. You met a woman that has scars from her own tumbles into some rocks in the past, who is often a crazy mess and an emotional Netflix original. She is one who still desperately wants to protect you from those same hurts-but who also trusts you also need to stumble at times to feel confident running towards the future that awaits you.

Thank you for giving me grace when I need it..and instilling the trust in me that you know you will always have that in me as well. Thank you for giving Elly and Gracy the gift of sisterhood-one that I never knew until your aunt Jeanne and Caitlin burst into my world in all their glory. Thank you for opening up your heart to give me a portion of the love we naturally reserve for our mothers-and thank you to your mom for sharing it with me.

You will meet new people who bring both joy and pain into your life. Accept them both as you will learn from each.

You will love your new roommate and the freedom that comes with your new address. You will also miss the often annoying 5 others you left behind as you leave this one. Trust me on this one.

You will feel pressure to excel and succeed and look to your grades as an indication you are doing both. That’s ok. It’s a part of what made you a fierce competitor in the water and a top honors graduate as you close this chapter in your life on this very day. However speaking from someone who tends to seek perfection at all costs-give yourself a break from time to time. Allow yourself to mess up…skip a class or bomb a test. You can even skip the Hoosier football games in lieu of the tailgates-they are lame anyway (sorry again Jared). You will gain far more from those “failures” than you will from anything else. In my own life I have lived, I’ve loved, I’ve lost, I’ve missed. I’ve hurt, I’ve trusted-again and again. I have made mistakes…but most of all I’ve learned..and without these struggles I would not have stumbled across my strength-and a portion of that led me to one already beautiful brace faced young girl who has grown into that beauty…inside and out.

As you literally move out into the world you will have to make choices and decisions that will not always be easy. Follow your heart and your instinct. Your dad and mom have done a great job of instilling all the tools you will need to make the right ones. And if you don’t..well, that’s ok too. I’ll take that as my contribution alongside of them. I can’t wait to see what His plans are for you…just as you were always planned for me.